STRAIGHT FROM STEPH

2011-11-18T22:23:00.001-08:00

Since my website is undergoing maintenance I will not be able to finish my series on Love Avoidance for a few more days...stay tuned

HOW TO HEAL FROM LOVE AVOIDANCE - PART 2

2011-10-29T18:56:00.001-07:00

We left off yesterday with the cause of Love Avoidance: enmeshment with the opposite sex parent. If this is the case with you, enter therapy to work through childhood feelings stemming from enmeshment Oftentimes these are feelings of deep anger and the pain and fear of the precious child you once were. Some experts even go so far as to call this form of enmeshment "emotional incest".....

4) Establish boundaries. Boundaries are essential for the love avoidant. They mustfeel that they can say no. Because the love avoidant often stays in a relationship out of duty and not love, they don't say no when they need to. Later, resenting the partner and using that as an excuse to "have a life".....(Leave the relationship for another person or an addiction).....

5) Whether through working the steps or some other route, to recover, one must connect to a higher power. The 12 steps are designed to bring us to a spiritual awakening, where we can come to rely on a loving God who cares for us and our wellbeing. If you don't have that yet,it's going to be almost impossible to get better. I suggest you speak to a minister, priest, rabbi, or someone who can help you.

More on recovery from Love Avoidance tomorrow.....stay tuned.

HOW TO OVERCOME LOVE AVOIDANCE

2011-10-28T19:55:00.000-07:00

Love avoidants don't seem to come in for therapy as much as their counterpart - the love addict. However, occasionally they do....especially when they realize that they have broken up with that perfectly nice gal they were involved with for no good reason....and it keeps happening....As they get older, the love avoidant begins the see a pattern and their loneliness may drive them in for help.

Although on the outside, the love avoidant seems more "together" than the love addict, sometimes they are more difficult to deal with. So what are the steps to conquering love avoidance.

1) Address primary addictions. Oftentimes the love avoidant is addicted to something - be it alcohol, sex,excessive sports, risk taking, etc. Their addiction makes them unavailable for intimacy.

2) Join a Support Group. It is important for the The Love Avoidant to join a support group such as a 12 step group in order to begin practicing healthy intimacy in a safe environment.

3) Deal with childhood wounding. The love avoidant generally speaking has had enmeshment with their opposite sex parent. As children, they felt the pressure of emotionally and sometimes physically taking care of an addicted or otherwise immature parent. This was too much and overwhelming to the child. So much so, that in adulthood, they fear intimacy and fear they will be suffocated or overwhelmed - a relive of their childhood experience.

Stay tuned for part 2 of this article tomorrow.....

Questions, comments....if you would like more information on Love addiction or avoidance or to make an appointment, please call Stephanie at 210-287-4002

SELF-CARE THROUGH CREATING JOY

2011-09-10T21:56:00.000-07:00

We may think that joy is elusive, that we just have to wait until happiness comes to us. Happiness and joy are not the same things though. Happiness does seem transient, based on circumstances. But we can make a choice to create joy in our lives. With just a few simple actions, we can prime our pumps for more joy in our lives.

1. Journal regularly. Writing your thoughts and feelings puts things in perspective, serves as an objective sounding board and can create a more positive mood.

2. Speak encouraging words to yourself. It is a proven fact that positive affirmations have the power to create a positive outlook. Write your own, claim bible verses...catch yourself when you are saying something negative and change it to a positive truth.

3. Do it differently! Whether it is changing the way you drive to work, taking a new class, or trying an exotic dish for the first time, changing your routine is a great way to add more zest to your life.

4. Express gratitude. Information abounds on the positive effects of practicing gratitude. Make a gratitutde list, tell someone you appreciate them or write a thank you note. Find ways to express your thankfulness for the positive things in your life. You will be amazed at how it will lift your mood.

5. Use your senses to enhance joy. Smell the roses, eat your favorite food, feel the grass under your feet, listen to a beautiful symphony. Your senses were meant to give you pleasure and pleasure increases joy.

What are some ways you produce joy in your life?

Call Stephanie Ecke, LPC at 210-287-4002 for help creating more joy in your life...

BEAUTY: PART 2

2011-06-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

I have continued my pondering on what beauty really means...

A very interesting definition of the word was found in dictionary.com It said:

"the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest)."

Wow!!

The important words in this definition are: pleasure, satisfaction, mind, sensory, meaningful, and spiritual.....these are the qualities that must be present for us to find BEAUTY.....

As we began contemplating these ideas, my friend Charlotte Jorgansen, Black Belt Nia Instructor and I developed some concepts for a workshop to help you find the Beauty Within....I am hoping she will be a guest writer in the next post....Stay tuned to hear from her and to get more info on our upcoming workshops!

what is your idea of beauty? how do you attain it? When do you feel most beautiful? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Becoming Spiritually Beautiful....

2011-06-22T18:25:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make: I had botox..... Of course what I found out is that for the best results, I should have started about 20 years ago!

The night after I had it done, and after I read a long list of potentially harmful side effects, I was lamenting to my husband. How could I, "Miss Organic Natural"...so cavalierly done this. Now I had botulism coursing through my veins.....Scary thought. What had possessed me?

On thinking back, I reflected that my husband and I were going on a vacation of a lifetime with a dear couple whom we hadn't seen in awhile. I wanted to look my best. Makes sense.....but there was something deeper.

As I did some soul-searching, I asked myself: Was it that I deep down inside do not feel good enough, thin enough, young enough or pretty enough....Sadly, apparently, I do not feel like I am "enough", particularly as I age.

Granted our culture is a culture of youth and beauty, and the media's idea of beauty is in our face constantly.... but that's society's perception. I decided I had to learn more about what my definition of beauty really is.

As luck would have it, I spotted a copy of a little book - believe it or not at the grocery store...The title? "Becoming Spiritually Beautiful: Seeing Yourself From God's Perspective".

In this precious book, the author Sharon Jaynes tells us how to experience a "faith lift"...There is one pivotal point in becoming spiritually beautiful: We must spend time with the Beauty Artist - God....Ms Jaynes states: "Being a reflection of His glory is a direct result of spending time in His presence embraced in His love and enveloped in His grace.'

She poses the question: Have you ever noticed how couples after being together a long time begin to look alike? The same is true with God....I will begin to resemble Him the more time I spend with Him. That's an exciting thought...doesn't cost any money and there are no terrible side effects. I think that's the beauty treatment I really need. I certainly don't fault anyone for doing whatever they can and want to do to make themselves feel better about themselves....But I have made a big decision: to go to the Author of all Beauty for my worth...

What do you think? Can 2 Corinthians 3:18 really become real if we spend time looking in His mirror. "We who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit"

I'm gonna try it!

To find out more about Stephanie, visit her website www.thetraumaqueen.com or to schedule an appointment, call her at 210-287-4002.

EMOTIONAL SOBRIETY

2011-06-09T20:11:00.000-07:00

I recently gave a talk to an Adult Children of Alcoholics group. It was a very lovely group and Im so glad I did. I happened to pick the topic of Emotional Sobriety and is often the case, I learned a lot while researching for this topic. The obvious things of course about emotional sobriety are that it involves the ability to self-soothe and regulate emotions.

Now you're probably thinking "Easier said than done!"...right? That's what I thought. Then I realized that the ability to regulate emotions requires one very important ingredient: A functional adult self on board.

For many people who are children of dysfunctional families (which involves alcoholic, mentally ill and/or narcissistic parents) this is what their recovery is all about - developing that Inner Loving Parent or Functional Adult Self (word coined by Pia Mellody and the Meadows).... The Functional Adult Self has the ability to affirm rather than criticize the self and to set respectful boundaries. Recovery groups like ACOA are very good at supporting its members in devloping the skills needed to do this.

Are you able to affirm yourself and to set boundaries? If not, you may need help developing your Functional Adult Self. I would encourage you to find a support group and/or therapist to help you with this very important task....

For more information about Stephanie, visit www.thetraumaqueen.com or give her a call at 210-287-4002 to schedule an appointment.

10 STEPS TO CONQUERING LOVE ADDICTION

2010-12-02T12:09:00.000-08:00

I admit it, Step one is gonna be hard, so prepare yourself. Here goes:

1) If at all possible, abstain from a love relationship for 6 months to a year...Yes, you're going to go into withdrawal, but we'll get into that in a minute....If you are married and it's not possible, practical or desireable to get out of your primary relationship, it is do-able, but harder. (See Pia Mellody's book, Facing Love Addiction)

2) Get a support system - preferably Love Addicts Anonymous, SLAA, ACA or AlAnon....begin to learn relating and connecting in healthy, non sexual ways.

3) You will go through withdrawal..It's very likely going to be very uncomfortable.Do not enter into another relationship to fix your feeligns at this crucial time! this is an important step in the process where you will....

4) Feel the feelings from your childhood that didn't get resolved and expressed....those feelings of pain, shame, anger and fear. It is very important to identify your feelings, feel them and express them....There's an old saying in twelve step circles, "You can't heal what you don't feel"....

5) Find a therapist who is trained in helping you do the trauma work you need to do to resolve these feelings that are from your past.....

6) Connect to your inner child, the part of you that was enmeshed, abandoned and/or abused in childhood. It's important to develop empathy for child feeling reality that you experiened back then.

7) Develop a Loving Parent inside who can connect to, nurture, protect and love the "true you" unconditionally.

8) Get a Higher Power - we cannot do this work alone!

9) Be clear on your trauma template...this is the template that was laid down when you were a child...it's who you're looking for - but usually not in a good way! When we're clear on the template, we will know which types of people will trigger our unhealthy love behaviors. (obsessing, avoiding, drama)

10. Transform your thinking and your life. With all these resources in place, your inner environment can be transformed. You truly can become a positive, powerful and optimistic person.....Then slowly re-enter or enter a love relationship......

For information on appointment fees and times, please call Stephanie Ecke, LPC at
210-287-4002

RADICAL SELF-CARE!

2010-10-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

Just got back from what was supposed to be a 3-day weekend in Vegas.....It ended up being a 5 day weekend! We couldn't get a flight out to save our lives. I thought I was in groundhog day! Everyday we'd get up before dawn, hail our taxi and off to the airport we'd go. Then we'd sit and wait only to find out we weren't leaving! Talk about stress! Vegas is one town where when you're done, you're done! I prayed...I asked for favor....I affirmed and did everything I could....No go! I had to surrender. It was frustrating, but I did the best I could to really take good care of myself, by going to quiet places, journalling, taking bubble baths and extra vitamin C....going to bed extra early....Oh, of course, a part of me wanted to just eat that extra chocolate to treat myself,or say to heck with it and stay up all night at the slots. But I knew my stress level was high and that was the last thing I really needed. I'm proud of myself because I practiced "radical Self-care"

What do you do to manage times of extra stress? Eat more? Smoke more? Drink more? gamble more or do you double up on self-care efforts....extra vitamins, a nap, quiet time, journalling, eating extremely healthy - lots of extra fresh vegies and fruits, a long walk or run? That's what I call RadicalSelf-care!!! When everything in you wants to indulge yourself, but instead you take care of yourself!!! Don't regress - progress! (not perfection)...

Stockholm Syndrome???

2010-10-11T20:32:00.000-07:00

Stockholm Syndrome: What is it? Wikepedia defines it this way: "A paradoxical psychological phenomenon wherein hostages express adulation and have positive feelings towards their captors that appear irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims". This term came about in 1973 in Sweden when two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until they were finally rescued.

After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that the hostages had bonded emotionally with their captors.
Another way to put this is that the hostages had more empathy for their captors than they did for themselves and what they had been through. Stockholm Syndrome is what likely kept Jaycee Lee Dugard (rescued last year) with her captor for 18 years.

Therapists are very accustomed to seeing this phenomena in victims of trauma, such as, abused children, battered women, Prisoners of War, cult members, incest victims, criminal hostage situations, and concentration camp prisoners.

In our Healing Pathways 3-day Trauma Intensive, my co-therapist and I often look for signs of Stockholm Syndrome in the participants. It subtly shows up as super-loyalty to their childhood abusers and more awareness of their abusers' (often their parents) feelings than their own....The client will say things like, "Yes, my mom abused me, but she had me so young, she didn't know what she was doing." or "My dad sexually molested me, but he was also molested as a child."....All this sounds like the person truly has worked through something, but upon further questioning, they have not.

To recover, trauma victims must first get back in touch with their child feeling reality that they have suppressed and minimized- what it felt like to be the child experiencing the pain that they suffered. The victim must in a way re-experience that pain and have empathy for themselves as the child who went through it and for the moment stop having empathy for the abuser.

Empathy is very different from self-pity. It is is a special form of compassion. Being able to have compassion or empathy for ourselves as a child who experienced pain takes us out of the Stockholm Syndrome and moves us forward.......and is a vital first step toward self-love!

Easier said than done....Next post: How to develop empathy for ourselves

IT'S NOT UNCHRISTIAN TO NEED HELP!

2010-09-03T21:24:00.000-07:00

Ok, I love Joyce Meyer....so I was listening to a CD on my walk today when I hear her say, "I was abused as a child and I just had to CHOOSE to get over it"....This is the kind of verbage which I often hear in Christian circles that makes my head spin. It makes it sound so easy...."I just had to choose to get over it!"

When you hear statements like this, do you wonder if God has forgotten you? Or if maybe you're doing something wrong?

I dont know about you, but just choosing didn't work for me. In fact, it took a lot of work and a lot of help for me to get over the traumas which occurred in my childhood. While I do believe that God can heal us in an instant, He seems to often use a process to get the job done. Maybe in order for us to have time to catch up with our healing and change those old habits of thought and habits of feeling.

Back in the day, sufferers of unresolved trauma would just have to suffer with panic attacks, severe depression, dissosiative disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, OCD, phobias, etc. They were given diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder, Multiple Personality Disorder, etc. But with the strides made in the last two decades in the field of trauma and recovery some of these problems can be eraadicated - healed. EMDR, EFT, some of the new energy therapies, etc are all boons to this field. And new medications which pinpoint serotonin, dopamine and other neurotransmitters have helped. tremendously..(more on that topic another time)....

There's a saying in 12 step circles, "It takes what it takes"...and while in the end, I do have to CHOOSE to get well, sometimes that choice has to be followed by actions.....

Detaching with Love?? What is it?

2010-08-30T13:32:00.000-07:00

There is an excellent little one page Al-Anon pamphlet entitled "Detachment".....I don't know where the "With Love" part came from, but I know I've heard the phrase in Al-Anon. It sounds great, but what exactly does it mean.

Basically, Detachment means putting the focus on taking care of ourselves. As described in the previous article, the codependent gets caught up in the cycle of reacting and enabling....which both lead to misery. This cycle, which is progressive, gets harder and harder to stop. Detaching is a great tool for breaking the cycle of misery.

In the "Detachment" pamphlet, it states, "Detachment is neither kind or unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we re detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person's (negative behavior) can be a means of detaching; this does not necessarily require physical separation."

"Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior."

Easier said than done, I know....but simply stated, when we find ourselves obsessing about someone else, either positively or negatively, we can stop ourselves by figuring out what we need in the moment and then doing it. By doing this our lives will dramatically change for the better!

???WHAT IS CODEPENDENCY???

2010-08-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

This word has been in popular use for at least 20 years but there's still no clear-cut definnition
...Many people think it means being "dependent", but it really doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being a dependent person. While looking it up I found this definition in the Alcohol Self-Help News
"Codependency is a condition that results in a dysfunctional relationship between the codependent and other people. A codependent is addicted to helping someone. They need to be needed. " And I think these definitions come pretty close to the truth. However, the other day, I came across a definition of codependency which I found intriguing. It is, "Anyone who subjects himself to a problem person."
Now, admittedly, this definition is a tad bit broad. But I would simply add one word to it: repeatedly. A Codependent is anyone who repeatedly subjects himself to a problem person.
The word repeatedly makes all the difference. If I repeatedly place myself in a position where I am with a problem person there are only a few choices I have.....What will happen to a codependent is that they will find themself in a cycle of reacting and enabling, which inevitably leads to anger, strife and frustration. Not exactly happy, joyous and free.
What if you are caught in this cycle? A lot of times the "problem person" is one who has a substance problem or is highly narcissistic. Twelve Step programs, particularly Al-Anon can help one get out of the cycle of reacting and enabling. They do this by teaching a very powerful tool called "Detaching With Love".....Also, Pia Mellody's book, "Facing Love Addiction" has some quite in depth instructions on "How to Put a Relationship On Hold"....
If you get caught in the codependency cycle of repeatedly putting yourself in a position where you are with a problem person and these self-help measures don't work, you may need professional help. Often times what lies at the root of this issue is a repetition compulsion -repeating a childhood wounding experience over and over. A therapist trained in this type of work can help you begin to heal the origins of these patterns.

2010-07-15T18:52:00.001-07:00

Stay tuned for future blogs......

WITHDRAWING FROM LOVE ADDICTION

2009-12-22T22:28:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Christmas and this is often the time that the love addicted tango comes to a screeching halt....I get lots of calls this time of year from love addicts in the throes of withdrawal....So, what is it and how does one get through it?

Basically, love addiction withdrawal occurs like any other addiction withdrawal when the addictive substance is removed. In this case, when the object of the love addict's affection is removed, all the feelings come up that the love addict has been stuffing down.

Since love addiction is an addiction issue caused by childhood trauma, neglect and abandonment, it is the feelings from the original wound that come up during withdrawal...the feelings of shame, pain, abandonment, fear, grief and anger. This can be an excruciatingly painful and difficult time for the love addict. A good support system such as SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous), LAA (Love Addicts Anonymous) or Al-Anon can be invaluable during the withdrawal process.

Besides attendance at meetings, some tools to help cope with withdrawal are: 1) taking it one day at a time; 2) calling a support person when obsessing; 3) journalling about feelings; 4) having some child-like fun; 5) going for a walk or exercising; and most importantly 6) working the Steps with a sponsor.

The main thing is to resolve the child trauma experiences. It is for this reason that I have teamed up with Amy Fisher Hodges, RN, LCDC to conduct Healing Pathways, our Three-Day Trauma Intensive.....Through this process, participants have enough time and group support to resolve much of the trauma that drives the love addiction...

This frees the Love Addict up to take all the energy they have been using on their addiction and use it on loving and taking care of themselves.....NOW THAT'S A GREAT CHRISTMAS GIFT! HAPPY HOLIDAYS

For more info: contact Stephanie Ecke, LPC, LCDC at 210.287.4002

BOUNDARIES AREN'T UNCHRISTIAN

2009-10-04T12:32:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this lately. So many of the Christians I work with need boundary work. They seem to think that having boundaries is bad. A good book that addresses this topic is Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

What are boundaries? They serve several purposes - they protect us from offensive behavior and they contain us from being offenders ourselves. They also keep the good stuff in and let the bad stuff out, keep the bad stuff out and let the bood stuff in.

According to Pia Mellody, there are three kinds of boundaries. Physical, Sexual and Internal. It is the Internal Boundaries where most of us have problems.

There are two parts to our internal boundaries - listening and talking. Of key importance in our talking boundary is speaking our truth in love. Many Christians are trying to be "nice" instead of telling the truth. Telling the truth doesn't mean I have to be rude. Telling the truth with boundaries and moderation works! When I am with someone who I know will be honest with me, I feel safe!

Here'ssomething Jesus said along this topic: "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one". Matthew 5:37.

Looks like Jesus believed in boundaries, too!

If you need help with your boundaries or would like to learn more about them, you can contact Stephanie at 210.287.4002 or through her website at www.stephanieecke.com

WHERE THERAPY, CHRISTIANITY AND RECOVERY COLLIDE

2009-05-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

PART 2: IT'S A PROCESS!

Part of where the three collide is in the area of "process"...In recovery circles as well as in therapy circles the concept of process is often very much understood. In some church circles this is not the case. Many Christians act as though their growth and healing should be instantaneous. While I am certain that when we ask for healing God can and does heal us at the time in the spiritual... it may take time for the natural man to catch up. I have been healed instantly before, but many times it was a process as my conscious mind had to catch up! I often see it with clients....they want the healing, but are not quite ready to receive it. They have to grow into the healed version of themselves.

On the other hand, the idea of process in the therapy and recovery realms keeps healing too far off .....just out of reach. If we really believe God has removed our compulsion why don't we act like it...Many of us live in fear and do not own the wholeness that has been given us. That's why some people say they are "Recovered", instead of "Recovering"....I know, I know, that's often thought of as blasphemy, but why? I guess it's a little too presumptious, but then is it ok to presume that God means what He says?????

tune in for more!

WHERE CHRISTIANITY, THERAPY AND RECOVERY COLLIDE!!!

2009-03-18T14:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, so if Spirituality is crucial to recovery, where does religion fit in? Well, the program says that in recovery we might find meaning in our original religions traditions or we might find a new tradition that speaks to where we are. As for me, I have gone back to my roots as a Christian. I have always loved Jesus and know of the power of His blood to save me. Yet, years ago, at the beginning of my healing journey, I was pouring through the scriptures, sick as a dog, praying for God to heal me and it didn't happen until I got into recovery. So it is very confusing sometimes when as a Christian I hear derogatory messages about recovery from the pulpit. Are you as confused about some of these things as I am? Well, let's explore soome of the issues together then.

Let's take the topic of codependency for example. Despite the fact that codependency recovery has been around for almost 20 years, I still hear the church at times almost sanctioning it. I'm not sure that most people in the church even know what codependency is. Do you hear the message that we need to love ourselves in church? I don't think we hear it enough. They might say it occasionally, but it's almost like the powers that be in church still think loving ourselves is a sin.

Just today I saw a poor woman, suffering from deteriorating health who said she had never as a Christian thought of loving and forgiving herself. She had always been taught that the prescription for JOY was Jesus first, Others Second and Yourself last. For some of us this just doesn't work....I thought church was for setting the captives free.

It is unfortunate, but the church is rampant with addictions, i.e. addiction to image, money, work, food, sex, etc. Sadly, I see many, many people from the church who are codependent caretakers, enablers and full-blown love addicts. Love addiction is deadly and destructive. Sufferers often leave one relationship that is unhealthy, only to form another one and another one spiraling down into a deadly cycle. And none of these "dis-eases" ever seem to get addressed in church.

To their credit, many churches have formed Christian recovery groups which try to address codependency & addiction. Trying to get some Christians to enter in to recovery can often be a daunting if not impossible task. I understand it... Clients often complain that in regular non-Christian recovery groups, people use the disease concept as an excuse not to get well at times. Others substitute going to meetings for the transformational work that comes with working the 12 steps. And stay stuck in the "put the plug in the jug" phase - never growing beyond it. No wonder Christians are leery.....

And don't even get me started on what's wrong with therapists and therapy. Much of my profession, sadly worship their intellect rather than a power greater than themselves. Some have not worked on their own issues and unfortunately are working their stuff out on their clients. That is why we therapists sometimes have earned the not altogether untrue reputation that we are unethical, dishonest and keep people stuck coming to therapy for longer than needed for our own monetary gain.

And Psychiatrists do tend to overprescribe, but I still hear from the pulpit the message that taking psychiatric medication is bad. Do they tell diabetics that? Of course not.....Yet that is exactly what I hear...This makes sharing the fact that one takes an antidepessant or psychiatric medication a very shameful fact for some Christians. However, I, like most other workers in the mental health field have seen dramatic improvements with the use of medications in proper combination with therapy and treatment. Some folks just flat out don't get better if they don't take medication. Their systems quite likely have been altered due to stress, drug or alcohol abuse or genetic predisposition. It's not shameful to take medication! Sometimes it does save lives! Yet I see severely depressed Christians deny themselves the proper treatment because they don't think they should rely on medications instead of God. It is true that medication without the work of therapy can be just a crutch.....however.......

What's a Christian to do??? Find out next blog.........

WHY SPIRITUALITY IS CRUCIAL TO RECOVERY!

2009-01-18T12:07:00.000-08:00

Many of us in recovery are very confused about what spirituality really is. Simplistic answers like "There's a difference between spirituality and religion", help a bit but don't really give us clarity as to the real meaning of spirituality in our lives.

First, exactly what is spirituality? One can find dozens of definitions.
However there are some commonalities in everyone's description of what spirituality is. Some of the more common themes describe it using one or more of the following elements:
a sense of purpose
a sense of ‘connectedness’ – to self, others, nature, ‘God’ or Others
a quest for wholeness
a search for hope or harmony
a belief in something higher or greater than self
the sense that there is more to life than what we can see
and, a sense of the Holy among us.

My favorite is a brief definition of spirituality which says that it is about relationships with ourselves, with others and with a Higher Power (or God). Spirituality is also very personal.

If it is so nebulous, then why is it so necessary to our recovery? Many admit their spirituality or their relationship with God helps them make sense of their sufferings. At other times it is a desire to connect with our Higher Power for wisdom, healing, peace, forgiveness and ultimately love which causes us to seek our Higher Power.

But those of us in recovery learn early on that what we have is a spiritual disease. We learn, too that what we have been trying to fill with all of the addictive substances and processes is really "a God shaped hole". In twelve step circles they teach us that our recovery is based on a daily reprieve contingent upon being spiritually fit. To get well, we must go on a quest in our recovery. That quest is the journey of the 12 steps which leads us to finding our Higher Power or God - many of us find God paradoxically inside ourselves.

Sadly, because of childhood abandonment, neglect or abuse, our thinking about God may become distorted. At times, we may have our dysfunctional caregivers' faces on our Higher Power, which could make a spiritual awakening very difficult to say the least. There can also be other blocks to knowing and trusting God if there is childhood trauma in our history.

If you are having trouble trusting a Higher Power or finding one inside of yourself, then childhood trauma could be part of the cause. This could prove to be a major stumbling block to your recovery.

But what exactly is trauma? There seems to be some confusion abou this misused word. To find out more stay tuned to my next blog.

You can contact Stephanie about individual therapy, coaching or her life transforming 3 day intensives "Healing Pathways" directly at 210.287.4002

MONEY ADDICTION AND THE US.

2008-09-29T11:18:00.001-07:00

You may think making the jump from addiction being a mind, body and spirit disease to money being an addiction is a stretch, but really it isn't. The current money crisis in the united States gives us some clues about money addiction. Yes, it is on a rather large scale, but I contend it is addiction nonetheless. And, while I don't proclaim to be an economist, I do know a thing or two about addiction.

Let me explain: Let's look at some definitions and comparisons. Like alcoholism, money addiction can be chronic, progressive and incurable and is characterized by loss of control of debt and/or spending....hmmmm. Does this sound familiar in terms of the American Economy and our spending habits as a country? It has gotten progressively worse, our debting as a nation appears to be progressing and perhaps we are near the fatal stage. Apparently, we didn't learn our lesson from the savings and loan problems in the 90's; Enron took it up a notch and now we are told that we are in the ultimate crisis/panic mode on Wall Street.

Ok, now, stay with me. Let's look at a definition of financial compulsivity (or money addiction) as being a dependence on compulsive behaviors centering around money that is so strong it may appear that the person (or in this case institutions) may be unable to break away from the dependence. The behavior causes problems in the person's (or institution's) life (e.g. family, work, mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, legal, etc.) Beginning to strike a chord? Compulsive debtors cannot live within their means.....can our government? can our financial institutions? Is our country's financial problem causing us problems? Are we as a country unable to stop spending more than we have?

Ok, so, what would constitute money addiction? With alcoholism, for instance,there is a course, an outcome, and a prognosis to the disease. When looking at America's financial problem today would you say there has been a course? Are we in early, middle or late stage debting addiction? What is the prognosis? You decide......

As stated in my last blog, dependence is a brain dysregulation in the neurotransmitter system. How does this idea fit with our money ills? Compulsive spenders/debtors are addicted at times to the highs and lows. It's a high when they get the new $10000 credit card limit..They feel relief - ahhh! problem solved! However, they hit a low when they reach their max. What will I do now? Who will bail me out? Can I possibly get another loan from grandma? And the cycle repeats itself over and over again. Sometimes for greater and greater amounts of money. (Does $700 billion ring a bell?) Compulsive debtors live on drama and adrenaline. This drama and adrenaline changes brain chemistry. Would you say there's a lot of drama going on in our government right now?

Making the connection? To summarize then America seems to be heading toward chronic compulsive debting or financial compulsivity. So, what's the solution?

Well, in twelve step circles, one has to admit powerlessness and turn to a Higher Power. They tell the newcomer that HOW the program works is HONESTY, OPEN-MINDEDNESS AND WILLINGNESS. Debtors Anonymous (DA) also suggests that the newcomer not create any new debt "one day at a time".
Perhaps the US House of Representatives and Senate could adopt these concepts to begin their recovery. (A few meetings wouldn't hurt either).

Eventually, we all have to start living on less than we make, get back to what's really important and meaningful in our lives which involves spirituality - not consumerism and enjoy the simple and abundant life God has given us! (You don't even want to get me started on the Corporate Executives' greed and their "golden parachutes")

To learn more about these concepts and money addiction, come to my talk in Austin for The Meadows free lecture series.

MONEY AND ADDICTION: THE BUCK STOPS HERE
NOVEMBER 13, 2008

Stephanie E. Ecke, LPC
and Carol Colhoun, LMSW

Location:
First Presbyterian Church
Rissman Hall
8001 Mesa Drive
Austin, Texas 78731

For information of The Meadows or The Meadows’ Texas Activities, please contact Betty Ewing Dicken at 972-612-7443 or 1-800-892-7799. Continuing Education Credits offered – 1.5 hours.

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TREATING ADDICTION AS A MIND, BODY & SPIRIT "DIS-EASE"

2008-09-21T19:37:00.000-07:00

I had the pleasure of attending a workshop in Austin last week, given by Texas Star Recovery. I heard 3 excellent talks and one interesting panel discussion. The keynote speaker was Carlton Erickson, Ph.D, Director of University of Texas Addiction Science Research & Education Center...He has recently written a book "The Science of Addiction". Here's what I learned from Carlton:
1) What we call addiction today is really dysregulation of the brain's mesolimbic system.
2) Addiction is really a misnomer, nonscientific and confusing.
3) There are actually two drug problems - abuse and dependence - abuse is intentional and voluntary, dependence is pathological and not under control - it is a brain disease. Dependence says "I can't stop without help"
4) People with a brain disease really need help!
5) Recovery can be defined! it is a) a voluntarily maintained lifestyle characterized by sobriety b) personal health and c) citizenship;

Erickson says (with apologies to Dr. Erickson for this primitive explanation) that dependence occurs because of neurochemical dysregulations of the neurotransmitter systems. Interestingly, a person's drug of choice reveals vulnerable brain chemicals (or neurotransmitter systems). For instance a person who prefers LSD, can be shown to be vulnerable in serotonin; He says, "physiologically some people 'need' alcohol,nicotine, cocaine, etc." The problem apparently occurs at the cell level, therefore, treatment has to occur at the cell level. Actually, the brain dysregulation is the disease - the addiction is only a symptom.

We are not really sure what causes the neurotransmitter systems to become dysregulated. Perhaps genetic vulnerability, exposure to the drug and other aspects of one's environment all come into play. But the bottom line is that it is a brain chemistry disease and addicting drugs match the transmitter system that is not normal.

What is most interesting is in terms of treatment. Traditional 12 step programs, behavioral counseling, medications, and even talk therapy appear to change brain chemistry and all seem to work at the cell level somehow! What Hope!

The second speaker, Dr. Jason Powers, Corporate Medical Officer TRS Behavioral Inc. spoke on meditation. There are many,many studies on the benefits of meditation. Powers reminded us that meditation changes brain chemistry as well. Hence our 11th step "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve conscious contact with God as we understood Him praying only for knowledge of His will and how to carry it out" had a lot of inherent wisdom in treating addiction - or "brain disease".

The third speaker was Shelley Uram, MD, Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Arizona College of Medicine. Dr. Uram was entertaining as well as informative. The gist of her talk was that trauma work changes brain chemistry...YAY!

I will share more about her talk in my next post.....

until then....

LET THE TRANSFORMATION BEGIN!

If you are suffering from brain dysregulation (i.e. addictions, maybe I can help. I have over 15 years of experience helping people with all kinds of addictions! you can contact me at 210.287.4002; or visit my website at www.stephanieecke.com

TRANSFORM YOUR TRAUMA

2008-09-15T08:15:00.000-07:00

This past week, I did a 3-day trauma intensive. The workshop titled "Healing Pathways" involves 3 days of transforming our trauma into a thing of beauty. Believe it or not there are many gifts in our trauma if we can separate our adult selves from the child that was hurt. We can transform those hurt child feelings into the joy, celebration and freedom of the "divine child" once we're healed. We can develop a functional adult that can meet the needs of that child and never leave or abandon him or her.

Those of us who suffer from addictions be it chemical, alcohol, food, money, love addiction or sex addiction, have all had childhood trauma of one sort or another. (Childhood trauma = physical illness, depression or addictions = problems with being intimate)

A lot of healing happened this weekend and it was a beautiful thing to see. I am honored and blessed to be called to this work and see the dignity and strength of those who choose to heal

Many thanks to Amy Fisher Hodges, RN, LCDC, who cofacilitated with me! Amy used to be the supervisor of the Survivors Program at the Meadows. She truly was a joy to work with and I learned a lot from her....God is so good!

If you are interested in the three day Healing Pathways workshop or would like more information about it, please email me or call me at 210.287.4002, or visit my website at www.stephanieecke.com. Let the transformation begin!!

GETTING THE OUTCOMES WE WANT.....

2008-08-26T21:22:00.001-07:00

There's a lot of talk these days about The Secret and The Law of Attraction. Many people think that it's not Christian to read these and that it's trying to control God. I disagree. The bible talks about the law of sowing and reaping and also says "As a man thinks in his heart so is he."

But what is more important to me is the brain chemistry of the addict and how to change this. It so happens that I believe that the law of attraction and visioning is one way we can change our chemistry. It isn't a secret that most of us with addictions suffer from some depression or anxiety. These disorders often can be due to low serotonin, dopamine or other "feel good" brain chemicals. That is why the newer antidepressant medications can help the "hijacked brain" (term coined by atrick Carnes to describe those of us with addictions and childhood trauma).

Ater reading the book "Excuse Me Your Life is Waiting" by Lynn Grabhorn which discusses these two concepts, a colleague and I have been pondering some of the tools Grabhorn outlines using. She says it is not really our thoughts that change outcomes, but our feeeelings! She recommends getting into the joy state of the outcomes you want. It's not really about the material things we want, even though the movie "The Secret" tends to focus on this. It's the feelings we want, isn't it? We want to feel the joy, peace and serenity that we think the material things will bring us.

Well, the good news is we don't have to wait for circumstances to be right to feel those feelings. We can create them right now. It may be a challenge, but I've been trying it and it is do-able. The problem is that we get so addicted to the negative patterns of thought and patterns of feeling that were so much a part of our traumatic backgrounds that we keep creating the same old outcomes.

This week, try this with me....during your meditation time think about some of the times you were most joyful in your life - your wedding day, the birth of a baby, the day you got your first house, etc. get into that feeling state and try to stay in those feelings as long as possible. Then go about your day. . .Then practice getting back into that feeling state whenever you notice you're feeling down, stressed, angry or any other negative emotion.

I believe allowing ourselves to stay in these positive emotions longer and longer can change our brain chemistry. And also, maybe just maybe our outcomes....

I'd love to hear from you about your results with this experiment or any other insights or questions you might have. Safe travel on your journey of transformation.
Stephanie E. Ecke, L PC
210.287.4002

I do feel we can keep ourselves grounded in the truth by reading the Bible. Staying in the Word transforms our minds like nothing else. Like my Bible study teacher, Sandy Ross always says, "You've got to get It in you!" "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind." (Thanks to Sandy).....

LOVE ADDICTION CONTINUED....

2008-05-07T18:28:00.001-07:00

Learning all you can about Love Addiction is vital to recovery.

Love addiction is an addiction to a fantasy - not really to a person. The love addict medicates with the fantasy of the Knight in Shining Armour or Happy Family walking off into the sunset!
This fantasy begins usually at a young age because of the trauma of abandonment, neglect or abuse;

To obtain relief from this addiction, recovery must involve inner child work to heal the childhood wounds of trauma and purge the body of that "child feeling reality" (Pia Mellody)
Inner Child work requires that one connect to that helpless child (ego state inside) that truly was a victim and begin to meet those needs now that were not met then.

How can I go back and redo my childhood? You may be asking. That's not what we're talking about here. We must also grieve our childhood losses as well. But meeting those needs now means having a relationship in the now with that part of us - being in touch with our bodies' needs, our feelings, our desires, dreams and goals.

For instance, a part of me always may have wanted to learn to paint. I can be so stuck in childhood pain that I may never give myself permission to try this. Inner child work would require that I strengthen the Functional Adult part of me and go take the risk. The more I attempt to fulfill the dreams of that part of me the greater the connection and healing. At a recent lecture given by John Bradshaw, he stated that there are several studies that point to the high probability that Inner Child Work changes brain chemistry - for the better!

A good book that might help you with this process is Recovery of Your Inner Child by Lucia Cappicione.

If you would like any help Recovering Your Inner Child, please call me. Let me help you in your Journey to Transformation!!!

FACING LOVE ADDICTION

2008-03-07T21:33:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to speak to a group about Love Addiction. As is usually the case, while preparing for this talk I learned a lot! Many years ago, I read Pia Mellody's Facing Love Addiction and it changed my life. My husband and I were stuck in the cycles she described. At that time, I began codependency recovery and we began to address our issues that were keeping us in the vicious cycles of Positive Intensity and Negative Intensity that signify a love addicted tango. We got better.

As I prepared for my talk I remembered the work I had done in the early 90's. I also studied the text of Love Addicts Anonymous, Addiction to Love, I came across the description of the Narcissistic Love Avoidant. According to author Susan Peabody, a Love Addict will always be triggered by a narcissist.

It pays the Love Addict to familiarize themselves with the characteristics of the narcissist. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a Love Avoidant - in that they fear engulfment, but they are much more toxic. Narcissists lack empathy, think they are special, can be bullies, blame and avoid taking responsibility for their part in things, are manipulative and controlling, cannot admit faults and avoid activities that lead to bonding. At their best, they can be charming, at their worse, they can be abusive and even dangerous. (You can learn more about this by searching the internet.)

If you are a Love Addict and are in the unfortunate position of being in a relationship with a narcissist, there are a few things that you need to know. 1) you are not to blame; 2) it is very difficult to get out of the snare, but it can be done; 3) Love Addicts Anonymous meetings will definitely help provide the education and support you will need to get free 4) you will need to begin recovery and probably do some work on resolving childhood trauma issues.

The important thing to know is recovery is not only possible, it is quite probable if you do the recovery work you need to do. If you would like to know more about the avoidant narcissist or how to free yourself, please let me know.

For information about my next 3 day Trauma Intensive to help you break free of the bondage of love addiction and other addictive disorders....call me at 210.287.4002 or email me.

I would love to help you on your journey of recovery and Transformation!

TRAUMA TRANSFORMATION

2007-11-07T18:11:00.000-08:00

This last weekend I did a four day intensive Trauma Transformation workshop! Awesome. My friend, Carol Colhoun, LCSW and I co-led a fabulous group in Austin. It is truly amazing to see how much trauma can be resolved in a four-day period when one is immersed in it, gets enough support and really wants to move forward.

If you are interested in moving past the trauma that continues to keep you stuck in the past - this may be what you are looking for. I plan to hold one at least four times a year....

More information will be posted on my website soon, so stay tuned..

and LET THE TRANSFORMATION BEGIN!

THE PROMISE OF TRUST

2007-10-30T21:33:00.000-07:00

Recently one of the revered women at church challenged us to do a bible word study on trust...I did it and it proved to be very, very valuable. If you look up what trust brings, you'll find a treasure trove...Trust does indeed bring deliverance, protection, grace, healing, mercy and love.

Easier said than done, I know...but it does many times boil down to a decision. I may not feel safe or trusting, but I can know I am safe and choose to trust. I can make a decision to turn my will and my current and future life over to God and let go...I can trust in His loving arms.

Sometimes for those of us recovering from addiction or trauma learning to trust is our biggest hurdle. The woman at church said something important, "God is getting us to the point where we can trust what we don't yet see." I like this idea....I can choose to trust and see what happens. Why don't you join me? Just for today, let's make a decision to trust in a God who loves us and wants far more for us than we could ever dream or imagine....(Is. 42:16)

Following HIM
Stephanie Ecke

JOURNALLING JOURNEY

2007-10-24T20:57:00.000-07:00

Many times I recommend to clients that they begin journalling. I have been journalling off and on for about 30 years....following are some easy tips to begin journalling that might help you get started on your JOURNALLING JOURNEY.

a) buy a pretty one that you will look forward to spending time in...even get a prety pen that you will enjoy using....

b) set it in a place where you know you'll be at least once a day at a certain time...i.e. in a basket by your favorite reading chair, on a bedside table or next to the bathtub;

c) Don't just write what happened during the day, but write about your feelings, hopes and dreams.

d) Play in your journal...have markers and stickers, draw, write poetry, have fun with it.

e) Write letters to God. This can be a very intimate practice. Or read the Bible or meditation book and write down any insights you may have about your readings.

It's very interesting to keep your journals and look back a year later...you can see how far you've grown, the prayers that have been answered, etc.

I hope this gives you some basics to get you started...if you have any insights or results you'd like to share with me, email or call me - I'd love to hear from you!

blessing,
STEPHANIE ECKE
LET THE TRANSFORMATION BEGIN!

Joy Comes in the Morning

2007-09-28T20:47:00.000-07:00

It's been a little over a month since I last wrote. It's amazing what can happen in a month! The scared little girl is safe again! Changes are on the horizon and I am one happy camper. It's really amazing what God can do! Our Higher Power is an awesome God!!!

My beautiful new website is up!

Carol Colhoun and I will be conducting intensive trauma recovery seminars starting in November....I am so excited! This is what I've been training for - such a time as this!

Weeping lasts a little while, but joy comes in the morning...thank you, God

It is going to be an amazing few months...put your seatbelts on and join me for the ride of your lives!

Let the Transformation Begin!!!