THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING: SELF-COMPASSION THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS!!

I know you’ve read hundreds of articles on stress and the holidays with lots of tried and true techniques for handling stress during this time of year. So what makes this one different? In this article I will help the reader learn the connection between empathy and handling stress and hopefully give you THE one new tool that will dramatically help you through the holiday season! If I could just give you one important key to staying centered and successfully maneuvering the upcoming season, I would pick the tool of self -compassion. A lot has been written over the past few years about self-compassion, but basically self-compassion is made up of two components. The first characteristic is self-kindness: being as kind to yourself as you would a friend. Do I really need to stay out until 2 am when I have to get up early the next day? What would be the kind thing to do for myself? Self-compassion involves radical self-care! But say, if I do overeat or overdo, I need to be kind to myself with my words. Watch how you are talking to yourself. Would you talk to a friend that way? If not, change your inner dialogue to one of empathy and you’ll see a turnaround. For instance, instead of saying, “How could I eat that? I feel so fat.” Try this: “I ate more than I planned tonight at the party. Tomorrow I’ll be more aware and do better.” Do you notice a difference in how you feel with the first response vs. the second one? With the self-compassionate response, your body relaxed a little, didn’t it? Hence the need to eat or do more than your body needs might just tone down a smidge. In addition to self kindness, one must also practice the second aspect of self-compassion: mindfulness. Mindfulness has two important parts to it. The first component is being in the present moment. Just doing this will calm down the nervous system significantly. The simple act of breathing in and out and being aware of the breath has a distinct calming effect. No matter where we are we can always do a few deep inhales and full exhales. The more you practice this simple move, the more you will experience the benefits of it and how it so effortlessly can move us into the present moment. Lastly, mindfulness involves being aware of what we are thinking and feeling. Being mindful means not judging ourselves, our thoughts or our emotions and at the same time, catching ourselves when our thoughts and emotions go to extremes. The old saying HALT – don’t let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired could be very instrumental in helping us stay mindful of our emotions and on track this holiday season. If we do find ourselves moving to extremes in thought or emotion we can use empathy and self-kindness to self-correct and get ourselves gently back in the center. During this holiday season give yourself the gift of self-compassion and you’ll see that as we cultivate self-compassion, it truly has remarkable stress relieving benefits that will last all year! To learn more about self-compassion, you can go to: www.self-compassion.org or read Kristen Neff’s marvelous book SELF-COMPASSION Stephanie Ellis Ecke, LPC, LCDC has been in private practice for over 20 years. She focuses on addiction, codependency, love addiction/love avoidance, childhood trauma and healthy relationships. Her current emphasis is on positive psychology and regenerating images to change memories. She is a basic certified RIM facilitator and has studied extensively with Pia Mellody at the Meadows. Find her on facebook at The Trauma Queen or on her website at www.thetraumaqueen.com

BECOMING A FUNCTIONAL ADULT

What is an adult and how does one become more "adult"? It seems simple enough, right? Just reach the ripe age of 21 and there you have it. But it's not that simple is it? What exactly constitutes becoming an adult. Those of us asking this question might have either a) an addiction; b) childhood trauma or c) all of the above. As I was talking with a trusted friend today we came up with something foundational. In order to become an adult one thing definitely has to happen: Any active addictions must be arrested. We had begun our visit discussing the recent DUI's of two female Episcopalian clergy over the last few months. We both lamented how sad it is that our society, particularly the church, still views addiction - alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, etc. as a stigma. Today in 2015, a full 80 years after Alcoholics Anonymous was founded, we still don't totally accept that alcoholism is a disease. why else would we continue to hide and deny this fact? Despite all our talk about vulnerability, and the gifts of imperfection etc. we are a far way away from accepting the disease of alcoholism is as real as the disease of cancer or diabetes and needs to be addressed and treated as such. Adults face reality and that's the first thing: We cannot be an adult and be in denial about our addictions. We must face them and treat them with justice and compassion. I will be beginning a series on Becoming a Functional Adult. Drawing from over 25 years experience as a psychotherapist in private practice, I hope to shed light on the process of becoming an adult and hopefully help us all Become Fully Functioning Adults - because that's when we get the good stuff:)

PARTNERS OF NARCISSISTS: Is this you???

In NARCISSISTIC LOVERS, the authors state that" Narcissists tend to be drawwn to co-dependents becuase they have a subconscious desire to be mothered and taken care of. They also are often aware that many Codependent types have a fear of abandonment and they use that fear to maintain control over them." Look at the following list of codenpendent traits and see if you see yourself: You base your feelings of selfworth on your partners approval. You try to solve your partners problems because you feel directly affected by them. Your primary goal is to satisfy and care for him/her. You feel happy when you are able to solve problems for your partner. You put aside your interests and spend time focusing on your partner. You feel your partner reflects you, their appearance, etc. You view your positive qualities as what you have to offer others. You are unaware of what you want and are concerned with what your partner wants. You have dreams of your future which include your partner. You are careful not to provoke your partnes anger. You are afraid of rejection by your partner You are generous in order to feel secure and prove your love to him/her. As you involve yourself with your partner, you lose contact with friends and family. You put your own values aside in order to relate to him/her. You hold his opinion in high regard. The quality of your partners life has an impact on the quality of your life. Positive comments from your partner give you a high; negative ones leave you low. How did you do? did you answer yes to many of these characteristics? Becoming aware of these tendencies can giv eyou choices about what you want and/or need to change. There is hope and help for you! To make an appointment, contact The Trauma Queen, Stephanie Ecke, LPC at 210-287-4002

BEWARE OF NARCISSISM PART 2: take this quiz!

As I stated in my last post...Love Addicts must be aware of Narcissism, it's characteristics and its effects. Take the following quiz and assess your partner's level of narcissism. Score 1 = never; 2 = ocassionally; 3 = frequently; 4= always. ________ Very competetive ________ Manipulative ________ Misleads and lies ________ Insensitive to your feelings ________ Controls you ________ Envious ________ Needs to be cente of attention ________ Demeaning ________ Self-Absorbed ________ Easily angered when confronted ________ Indirectly looks for attention ________ Feels their needs take priority over yours ________ Critical of your friends ________ Careless and impulsive Then total your score. Authors of the book,NARCISSISTIC LOVERS, suggest that if your score totals between 43 and 56, it reflects that your partner has excessive narcissistic qualities. A score between 29 and 42 indicates your partner has a high amount of narcisisstic traits and a score between 14 and 28 illustrates your partner has limited narcissistic characteristics. The book suggests that you must arm yourself with information about narcissism in order to deal with it and know what you need to do to best take care of yourself.

Some other observations along the road:

TIP # 4: God will provide all my needs if I let Him....I really believe I am so afraid that God won't meet my needs that I can block the flow by getting in there and trying to fill His role myself....Today (Im almost embarassed to admit how many blessings I received.) Hubby fixed breakfast, a friend dropped by for a visit and got me out for a yogurt, another friend came over and brought lunch and watched a movie with me and the kids came over to see if I needed anything. Now in the old days I might would have missed it with my "Never enough" attitude....:(

TIP # 5: Which brings me to the next tip Im trying to re-remember over and over again...Practicing gratitude is a daily discipline - definitely not a feeling. Practicing gratitude is a habit which increases my joy...

TIP # 6: Feel my feelings. It's important in taking care of myself to identify my feelings and express them in a healthy manner if possible. In program circles they used to say "Trace it, face it and erase it." and "you can't heal what you can't feel"...This helped me learn the value of my feelings. Later I have had to learn that although important, feelings don't get to run the show. "The mind controlled by the spirit is life and peace." Romans 8:6

RECOVERY - SOMETIMES SWIFTLY; SOMETIMES SLOWLY

Yikes,I broke two bones in my leg when I "took a tumble" (thanks, Jan) walking on Saturday.....I had surgery two days ago. I feel like I am back at the beginning of my addiction recovery in some ways....back remembering the basics....taking it one day at a time....

So I thought I'd blog my way through. Maybe I can share some tips that are helping me make it through and you can share any ideas you might have too?

So for now, what's working

TIP #1) Don't over do it.....Accept where I am and surrender to the processs. I can remember in the early days of my addiction recovery I was in so much (emotional) pain I was in a hurry to get it over with. I thought I could be done once and for all and out of pain...but you really cannot push the river in recovery and.....the same goes for the human body. Although amazing in its capacity to heal, it does have it's own timing.

TIP # 2) Trust in my Higher Power....When I first began on my journey to transformation, I really didn't know my Higher Power. Today, (although admittedly I still have much to learn, I do know a few things...(in large part thanks to Sandy Ross and many life experiences) I know God is good. I know God loves me personally. I know God has a good plan for my life. I know I can trust Him and his will. I know He makes all things work together for the good. And He can and will provide me comfort and solace.

TIP # 3) Ask for help. I tried to do everything by myself when I was a newbie. I used to think it was shameful to need help and a sign of weakness. Now I know that it's human and healthy to need help. Ok...here's where I need help! CRUTCHES SUCK...any tips out there?

More tips tomorrow.

Stephanie Ellis Ecke, LPC aka The Trauma Queen (www.thetraumaqueen.com) can be contacted via her website. To schedule an appointment, please call 210-287-4002

Since my website is undergoing maintenance I will not be able to finish my series on Love Avoidance for a few more days...stay tuned