Detaching with Love?? What is it?

There is an excellent little one page Al-Anon pamphlet entitled "Detachment".....I don't know where the "With Love" part came from, but I know I've heard the phrase in Al-Anon. It sounds great, but what exactly does it mean.

Basically, Detachment means putting the focus on taking care of ourselves. As described in the previous article, the codependent gets caught up in the cycle of reacting and enabling....which both lead to misery. This cycle, which is progressive, gets harder and harder to stop. Detaching is a great tool for breaking the cycle of misery.

In the "Detachment" pamphlet, it states, "Detachment is neither kind or unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we re detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person's (negative behavior) can be a means of detaching; this does not necessarily require physical separation."

"Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior."

Easier said than done, I know....but simply stated, when we find ourselves obsessing about someone else, either positively or negatively, we can stop ourselves by figuring out what we need in the moment and then doing it. By doing this our lives will dramatically change for the better!

???WHAT IS CODEPENDENCY???

This word has been in popular use for at least 20 years but there's still no clear-cut definnition
...Many people think it means being "dependent", but it really doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being a dependent person. While looking it up I found this definition in the Alcohol Self-Help News
"Codependency is a condition that results in a dysfunctional relationship between the codependent and other people. A codependent is addicted to helping someone. They need to be needed. " And I think these definitions come pretty close to the truth. However, the other day, I came across a definition of codependency which I found intriguing. It is, "Anyone who subjects himself to a problem person."
Now, admittedly, this definition is a tad bit broad. But I would simply add one word to it: repeatedly. A Codependent is anyone who repeatedly subjects himself to a problem person.
The word repeatedly makes all the difference. If I repeatedly place myself in a position where I am with a problem person there are only a few choices I have.....What will happen to a codependent is that they will find themself in a cycle of reacting and enabling, which inevitably leads to anger, strife and frustration. Not exactly happy, joyous and free.
What if you are caught in this cycle? A lot of times the "problem person" is one who has a substance problem or is highly narcissistic. Twelve Step programs, particularly Al-Anon can help one get out of the cycle of reacting and enabling. They do this by teaching a very powerful tool called "Detaching With Love".....Also, Pia Mellody's book, "Facing Love Addiction" has some quite in depth instructions on "How to Put a Relationship On Hold"....
If you get caught in the codependency cycle of repeatedly putting yourself in a position where you are with a problem person and these self-help measures don't work, you may need professional help. Often times what lies at the root of this issue is a repetition compulsion -repeating a childhood wounding experience over and over. A therapist trained in this type of work can help you begin to heal the origins of these patterns.