Well, it's Christmas and this is often the time that the love addicted tango comes to a screeching halt....I get lots of calls this time of year from love addicts in the throes of withdrawal....So, what is it and how does one get through it?
Basically, love addiction withdrawal occurs like any other addiction withdrawal when the addictive substance is removed. In this case, when the object of the love addict's affection is removed, all the feelings come up that the love addict has been stuffing down.
Since love addiction is an addiction issue caused by childhood trauma, neglect and abandonment, it is the feelings from the original wound that come up during withdrawal...the feelings of shame, pain, abandonment, fear, grief and anger. This can be an excruciatingly painful and difficult time for the love addict. A good support system such as SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous), LAA (Love Addicts Anonymous) or Al-Anon can be invaluable during the withdrawal process.
Besides attendance at meetings, some tools to help cope with withdrawal are: 1) taking it one day at a time; 2) calling a support person when obsessing; 3) journalling about feelings; 4) having some child-like fun; 5) going for a walk or exercising; and most importantly 6) working the Steps with a sponsor.
The main thing is to resolve the child trauma experiences. It is for this reason that I have teamed up with Amy Fisher Hodges, RN, LCDC to conduct Healing Pathways, our Three-Day Trauma Intensive.....Through this process, participants have enough time and group support to resolve much of the trauma that drives the love addiction...
This frees the Love Addict up to take all the energy they have been using on their addiction and use it on loving and taking care of themselves.....NOW THAT'S A GREAT CHRISTMAS GIFT! HAPPY HOLIDAYS
For more info: contact Stephanie Ecke, LPC, LCDC at 210.287.4002
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, October 04, 2009
BOUNDARIES AREN'T UNCHRISTIAN
I've been thinking about this lately. So many of the Christians I work with need boundary work. They seem to think that having boundaries is bad. A good book that addresses this topic is Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.
What are boundaries? They serve several purposes - they protect us from offensive behavior and they contain us from being offenders ourselves. They also keep the good stuff in and let the bad stuff out, keep the bad stuff out and let the bood stuff in.
According to Pia Mellody, there are three kinds of boundaries. Physical, Sexual and Internal. It is the Internal Boundaries where most of us have problems.
There are two parts to our internal boundaries - listening and talking. Of key importance in our talking boundary is speaking our truth in love. Many Christians are trying to be "nice" instead of telling the truth. Telling the truth doesn't mean I have to be rude. Telling the truth with boundaries and moderation works! When I am with someone who I know will be honest with me, I feel safe!
Here'ssomething Jesus said along this topic: "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one". Matthew 5:37.
Looks like Jesus believed in boundaries, too!
If you need help with your boundaries or would like to learn more about them, you can contact Stephanie at 210.287.4002 or through her website at www.stephanieecke.com
What are boundaries? They serve several purposes - they protect us from offensive behavior and they contain us from being offenders ourselves. They also keep the good stuff in and let the bad stuff out, keep the bad stuff out and let the bood stuff in.
According to Pia Mellody, there are three kinds of boundaries. Physical, Sexual and Internal. It is the Internal Boundaries where most of us have problems.
There are two parts to our internal boundaries - listening and talking. Of key importance in our talking boundary is speaking our truth in love. Many Christians are trying to be "nice" instead of telling the truth. Telling the truth doesn't mean I have to be rude. Telling the truth with boundaries and moderation works! When I am with someone who I know will be honest with me, I feel safe!
Here'ssomething Jesus said along this topic: "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one". Matthew 5:37.
Looks like Jesus believed in boundaries, too!
If you need help with your boundaries or would like to learn more about them, you can contact Stephanie at 210.287.4002 or through her website at www.stephanieecke.com
Saturday, May 23, 2009
WHERE THERAPY, CHRISTIANITY AND RECOVERY COLLIDE
PART 2: IT'S A PROCESS!
Part of where the three collide is in the area of "process"...In recovery circles as well as in therapy circles the concept of process is often very much understood. In some church circles this is not the case. Many Christians act as though their growth and healing should be instantaneous. While I am certain that when we ask for healing God can and does heal us at the time in the spiritual... it may take time for the natural man to catch up. I have been healed instantly before, but many times it was a process as my conscious mind had to catch up! I often see it with clients....they want the healing, but are not quite ready to receive it. They have to grow into the healed version of themselves.
On the other hand, the idea of process in the therapy and recovery realms keeps healing too far off .....just out of reach. If we really believe God has removed our compulsion why don't we act like it...Many of us live in fear and do not own the wholeness that has been given us. That's why some people say they are "Recovered", instead of "Recovering"....I know, I know, that's often thought of as blasphemy, but why? I guess it's a little too presumptious, but then is it ok to presume that God means what He says?????
tune in for more!
Part of where the three collide is in the area of "process"...In recovery circles as well as in therapy circles the concept of process is often very much understood. In some church circles this is not the case. Many Christians act as though their growth and healing should be instantaneous. While I am certain that when we ask for healing God can and does heal us at the time in the spiritual... it may take time for the natural man to catch up. I have been healed instantly before, but many times it was a process as my conscious mind had to catch up! I often see it with clients....they want the healing, but are not quite ready to receive it. They have to grow into the healed version of themselves.
On the other hand, the idea of process in the therapy and recovery realms keeps healing too far off .....just out of reach. If we really believe God has removed our compulsion why don't we act like it...Many of us live in fear and do not own the wholeness that has been given us. That's why some people say they are "Recovered", instead of "Recovering"....I know, I know, that's often thought of as blasphemy, but why? I guess it's a little too presumptious, but then is it ok to presume that God means what He says?????
tune in for more!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
WHERE CHRISTIANITY, THERAPY AND RECOVERY COLLIDE!!!
Okay, so if Spirituality is crucial to recovery, where does religion fit in? Well, the program says that in recovery we might find meaning in our original religions traditions or we might find a new tradition that speaks to where we are. As for me, I have gone back to my roots as a Christian. I have always loved Jesus and know of the power of His blood to save me. Yet, years ago, at the beginning of my healing journey, I was pouring through the scriptures, sick as a dog, praying for God to heal me and it didn't happen until I got into recovery. So it is very confusing sometimes when as a Christian I hear derogatory messages about recovery from the pulpit. Are you as confused about some of these things as I am? Well, let's explore soome of the issues together then.
Let's take the topic of codependency for example. Despite the fact that codependency recovery has been around for almost 20 years, I still hear the church at times almost sanctioning it. I'm not sure that most people in the church even know what codependency is. Do you hear the message that we need to love ourselves in church? I don't think we hear it enough. They might say it occasionally, but it's almost like the powers that be in church still think loving ourselves is a sin.
Just today I saw a poor woman, suffering from deteriorating health who said she had never as a Christian thought of loving and forgiving herself. She had always been taught that the prescription for JOY was Jesus first, Others Second and Yourself last. For some of us this just doesn't work....I thought church was for setting the captives free.
It is unfortunate, but the church is rampant with addictions, i.e. addiction to image, money, work, food, sex, etc. Sadly, I see many, many people from the church who are codependent caretakers, enablers and full-blown love addicts. Love addiction is deadly and destructive. Sufferers often leave one relationship that is unhealthy, only to form another one and another one spiraling down into a deadly cycle. And none of these "dis-eases" ever seem to get addressed in church.
To their credit, many churches have formed Christian recovery groups which try to address codependency & addiction. Trying to get some Christians to enter in to recovery can often be a daunting if not impossible task. I understand it... Clients often complain that in regular non-Christian recovery groups, people use the disease concept as an excuse not to get well at times. Others substitute going to meetings for the transformational work that comes with working the 12 steps. And stay stuck in the "put the plug in the jug" phase - never growing beyond it. No wonder Christians are leery.....
And don't even get me started on what's wrong with therapists and therapy. Much of my profession, sadly worship their intellect rather than a power greater than themselves. Some have not worked on their own issues and unfortunately are working their stuff out on their clients. That is why we therapists sometimes have earned the not altogether untrue reputation that we are unethical, dishonest and keep people stuck coming to therapy for longer than needed for our own monetary gain.
And Psychiatrists do tend to overprescribe, but I still hear from the pulpit the message that taking psychiatric medication is bad. Do they tell diabetics that? Of course not.....Yet that is exactly what I hear...This makes sharing the fact that one takes an antidepessant or psychiatric medication a very shameful fact for some Christians. However, I, like most other workers in the mental health field have seen dramatic improvements with the use of medications in proper combination with therapy and treatment. Some folks just flat out don't get better if they don't take medication. Their systems quite likely have been altered due to stress, drug or alcohol abuse or genetic predisposition. It's not shameful to take medication! Sometimes it does save lives! Yet I see severely depressed Christians deny themselves the proper treatment because they don't think they should rely on medications instead of God. It is true that medication without the work of therapy can be just a crutch.....however.......
What's a Christian to do??? Find out next blog.........
Let's take the topic of codependency for example. Despite the fact that codependency recovery has been around for almost 20 years, I still hear the church at times almost sanctioning it. I'm not sure that most people in the church even know what codependency is. Do you hear the message that we need to love ourselves in church? I don't think we hear it enough. They might say it occasionally, but it's almost like the powers that be in church still think loving ourselves is a sin.
Just today I saw a poor woman, suffering from deteriorating health who said she had never as a Christian thought of loving and forgiving herself. She had always been taught that the prescription for JOY was Jesus first, Others Second and Yourself last. For some of us this just doesn't work....I thought church was for setting the captives free.
It is unfortunate, but the church is rampant with addictions, i.e. addiction to image, money, work, food, sex, etc. Sadly, I see many, many people from the church who are codependent caretakers, enablers and full-blown love addicts. Love addiction is deadly and destructive. Sufferers often leave one relationship that is unhealthy, only to form another one and another one spiraling down into a deadly cycle. And none of these "dis-eases" ever seem to get addressed in church.
To their credit, many churches have formed Christian recovery groups which try to address codependency & addiction. Trying to get some Christians to enter in to recovery can often be a daunting if not impossible task. I understand it... Clients often complain that in regular non-Christian recovery groups, people use the disease concept as an excuse not to get well at times. Others substitute going to meetings for the transformational work that comes with working the 12 steps. And stay stuck in the "put the plug in the jug" phase - never growing beyond it. No wonder Christians are leery.....
And don't even get me started on what's wrong with therapists and therapy. Much of my profession, sadly worship their intellect rather than a power greater than themselves. Some have not worked on their own issues and unfortunately are working their stuff out on their clients. That is why we therapists sometimes have earned the not altogether untrue reputation that we are unethical, dishonest and keep people stuck coming to therapy for longer than needed for our own monetary gain.
And Psychiatrists do tend to overprescribe, but I still hear from the pulpit the message that taking psychiatric medication is bad. Do they tell diabetics that? Of course not.....Yet that is exactly what I hear...This makes sharing the fact that one takes an antidepessant or psychiatric medication a very shameful fact for some Christians. However, I, like most other workers in the mental health field have seen dramatic improvements with the use of medications in proper combination with therapy and treatment. Some folks just flat out don't get better if they don't take medication. Their systems quite likely have been altered due to stress, drug or alcohol abuse or genetic predisposition. It's not shameful to take medication! Sometimes it does save lives! Yet I see severely depressed Christians deny themselves the proper treatment because they don't think they should rely on medications instead of God. It is true that medication without the work of therapy can be just a crutch.....however.......
What's a Christian to do??? Find out next blog.........
Sunday, January 18, 2009
WHY SPIRITUALITY IS CRUCIAL TO RECOVERY!
Many of us in recovery are very confused about what spirituality really is. Simplistic answers like "There's a difference between spirituality and religion", help a bit but don't really give us clarity as to the real meaning of spirituality in our lives.
First, exactly what is spirituality? One can find dozens of definitions.
However there are some commonalities in everyone's description of what spirituality is. Some of the more common themes describe it using one or more of the following elements:
a sense of purpose
a sense of ‘connectedness’ – to self, others, nature, ‘God’ or Others
a quest for wholeness
a search for hope or harmony
a belief in something higher or greater than self
the sense that there is more to life than what we can see
and, a sense of the Holy among us.
My favorite is a brief definition of spirituality which says that it is about relationships with ourselves, with others and with a Higher Power (or God). Spirituality is also very personal.
If it is so nebulous, then why is it so necessary to our recovery? Many admit their spirituality or their relationship with God helps them make sense of their sufferings. At other times it is a desire to connect with our Higher Power for wisdom, healing, peace, forgiveness and ultimately love which causes us to seek our Higher Power.
But those of us in recovery learn early on that what we have is a spiritual disease. We learn, too that what we have been trying to fill with all of the addictive substances and processes is really "a God shaped hole". In twelve step circles they teach us that our recovery is based on a daily reprieve contingent upon being spiritually fit. To get well, we must go on a quest in our recovery. That quest is the journey of the 12 steps which leads us to finding our Higher Power or God - many of us find God paradoxically inside ourselves.
Sadly, because of childhood abandonment, neglect or abuse, our thinking about God may become distorted. At times, we may have our dysfunctional caregivers' faces on our Higher Power, which could make a spiritual awakening very difficult to say the least. There can also be other blocks to knowing and trusting God if there is childhood trauma in our history.
If you are having trouble trusting a Higher Power or finding one inside of yourself, then childhood trauma could be part of the cause. This could prove to be a major stumbling block to your recovery.
But what exactly is trauma? There seems to be some confusion abou this misused word. To find out more stay tuned to my next blog.
You can contact Stephanie about individual therapy, coaching or her life transforming 3 day intensives "Healing Pathways" directly at 210.287.4002
First, exactly what is spirituality? One can find dozens of definitions.
However there are some commonalities in everyone's description of what spirituality is. Some of the more common themes describe it using one or more of the following elements:
a sense of purpose
a sense of ‘connectedness’ – to self, others, nature, ‘God’ or Others
a quest for wholeness
a search for hope or harmony
a belief in something higher or greater than self
the sense that there is more to life than what we can see
and, a sense of the Holy among us.
My favorite is a brief definition of spirituality which says that it is about relationships with ourselves, with others and with a Higher Power (or God). Spirituality is also very personal.
If it is so nebulous, then why is it so necessary to our recovery? Many admit their spirituality or their relationship with God helps them make sense of their sufferings. At other times it is a desire to connect with our Higher Power for wisdom, healing, peace, forgiveness and ultimately love which causes us to seek our Higher Power.
But those of us in recovery learn early on that what we have is a spiritual disease. We learn, too that what we have been trying to fill with all of the addictive substances and processes is really "a God shaped hole". In twelve step circles they teach us that our recovery is based on a daily reprieve contingent upon being spiritually fit. To get well, we must go on a quest in our recovery. That quest is the journey of the 12 steps which leads us to finding our Higher Power or God - many of us find God paradoxically inside ourselves.
Sadly, because of childhood abandonment, neglect or abuse, our thinking about God may become distorted. At times, we may have our dysfunctional caregivers' faces on our Higher Power, which could make a spiritual awakening very difficult to say the least. There can also be other blocks to knowing and trusting God if there is childhood trauma in our history.
If you are having trouble trusting a Higher Power or finding one inside of yourself, then childhood trauma could be part of the cause. This could prove to be a major stumbling block to your recovery.
But what exactly is trauma? There seems to be some confusion abou this misused word. To find out more stay tuned to my next blog.
You can contact Stephanie about individual therapy, coaching or her life transforming 3 day intensives "Healing Pathways" directly at 210.287.4002
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