I admit it, Step one is gonna be hard, so prepare yourself. Here goes:
1) If at all possible, abstain from a love relationship for 6 months to a year...Yes, you're going to go into withdrawal, but we'll get into that in a minute....If you are married and it's not possible, practical or desireable to get out of your primary relationship, it is do-able, but harder. (See Pia Mellody's book, Facing Love Addiction)
2) Get a support system - preferably Love Addicts Anonymous, SLAA, ACA or AlAnon....begin to learn relating and connecting in healthy, non sexual ways.
3) You will go through withdrawal..It's very likely going to be very uncomfortable.Do not enter into another relationship to fix your feeligns at this crucial time! this is an important step in the process where you will....
4) Feel the feelings from your childhood that didn't get resolved and expressed....those feelings of pain, shame, anger and fear. It is very important to identify your feelings, feel them and express them....There's an old saying in twelve step circles, "You can't heal what you don't feel"....
5) Find a therapist who is trained in helping you do the trauma work you need to do to resolve these feelings that are from your past.....
6) Connect to your inner child, the part of you that was enmeshed, abandoned and/or abused in childhood. It's important to develop empathy for child feeling reality that you experiened back then.
7) Develop a Loving Parent inside who can connect to, nurture, protect and love the "true you" unconditionally.
8) Get a Higher Power - we cannot do this work alone!
9) Be clear on your trauma template...this is the template that was laid down when you were a child...it's who you're looking for - but usually not in a good way! When we're clear on the template, we will know which types of people will trigger our unhealthy love behaviors. (obsessing, avoiding, drama)
10. Transform your thinking and your life. With all these resources in place, your inner environment can be transformed. You truly can become a positive, powerful and optimistic person.....Then slowly re-enter or enter a love relationship......
For information on appointment fees and times, please call Stephanie Ecke, LPC at
210-287-4002
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
RADICAL SELF-CARE!
Just got back from what was supposed to be a 3-day weekend in Vegas.....It ended up being a 5 day weekend! We couldn't get a flight out to save our lives. I thought I was in groundhog day! Everyday we'd get up before dawn, hail our taxi and off to the airport we'd go. Then we'd sit and wait only to find out we weren't leaving! Talk about stress! Vegas is one town where when you're done, you're done! I prayed...I asked for favor....I affirmed and did everything I could....No go! I had to surrender. It was frustrating, but I did the best I could to really take good care of myself, by going to quiet places, journalling, taking bubble baths and extra vitamin C....going to bed extra early....Oh, of course, a part of me wanted to just eat that extra chocolate to treat myself,or say to heck with it and stay up all night at the slots. But I knew my stress level was high and that was the last thing I really needed. I'm proud of myself because I practiced "radical Self-care"
What do you do to manage times of extra stress? Eat more? Smoke more? Drink more? gamble more or do you double up on self-care efforts....extra vitamins, a nap, quiet time, journalling, eating extremely healthy - lots of extra fresh vegies and fruits, a long walk or run? That's what I call RadicalSelf-care!!! When everything in you wants to indulge yourself, but instead you take care of yourself!!! Don't regress - progress! (not perfection)...
What do you do to manage times of extra stress? Eat more? Smoke more? Drink more? gamble more or do you double up on self-care efforts....extra vitamins, a nap, quiet time, journalling, eating extremely healthy - lots of extra fresh vegies and fruits, a long walk or run? That's what I call RadicalSelf-care!!! When everything in you wants to indulge yourself, but instead you take care of yourself!!! Don't regress - progress! (not perfection)...
Monday, October 11, 2010
Stockholm Syndrome???
Stockholm Syndrome: What is it? Wikepedia defines it this way: "A paradoxical psychological phenomenon wherein hostages express adulation and have positive feelings towards their captors that appear irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims". This term came about in 1973 in Sweden when two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until they were finally rescued.
After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that the hostages had bonded emotionally with their captors.
Another way to put this is that the hostages had more empathy for their captors than they did for themselves and what they had been through. Stockholm Syndrome is what likely kept Jaycee Lee Dugard (rescued last year) with her captor for 18 years.
Therapists are very accustomed to seeing this phenomena in victims of trauma, such as, abused children, battered women, Prisoners of War, cult members, incest victims, criminal hostage situations, and concentration camp prisoners.
In our Healing Pathways 3-day Trauma Intensive, my co-therapist and I often look for signs of Stockholm Syndrome in the participants. It subtly shows up as super-loyalty to their childhood abusers and more awareness of their abusers' (often their parents) feelings than their own....The client will say things like, "Yes, my mom abused me, but she had me so young, she didn't know what she was doing." or "My dad sexually molested me, but he was also molested as a child."....All this sounds like the person truly has worked through something, but upon further questioning, they have not.
To recover, trauma victims must first get back in touch with their child feeling reality that they have suppressed and minimized- what it felt like to be the child experiencing the pain that they suffered. The victim must in a way re-experience that pain and have empathy for themselves as the child who went through it and for the moment stop having empathy for the abuser.
Empathy is very different from self-pity. It is is a special form of compassion. Being able to have compassion or empathy for ourselves as a child who experienced pain takes us out of the Stockholm Syndrome and moves us forward.......and is a vital first step toward self-love!
Easier said than done....Next post: How to develop empathy for ourselves
After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that the hostages had bonded emotionally with their captors.
Another way to put this is that the hostages had more empathy for their captors than they did for themselves and what they had been through. Stockholm Syndrome is what likely kept Jaycee Lee Dugard (rescued last year) with her captor for 18 years.
Therapists are very accustomed to seeing this phenomena in victims of trauma, such as, abused children, battered women, Prisoners of War, cult members, incest victims, criminal hostage situations, and concentration camp prisoners.
In our Healing Pathways 3-day Trauma Intensive, my co-therapist and I often look for signs of Stockholm Syndrome in the participants. It subtly shows up as super-loyalty to their childhood abusers and more awareness of their abusers' (often their parents) feelings than their own....The client will say things like, "Yes, my mom abused me, but she had me so young, she didn't know what she was doing." or "My dad sexually molested me, but he was also molested as a child."....All this sounds like the person truly has worked through something, but upon further questioning, they have not.
To recover, trauma victims must first get back in touch with their child feeling reality that they have suppressed and minimized- what it felt like to be the child experiencing the pain that they suffered. The victim must in a way re-experience that pain and have empathy for themselves as the child who went through it and for the moment stop having empathy for the abuser.
Empathy is very different from self-pity. It is is a special form of compassion. Being able to have compassion or empathy for ourselves as a child who experienced pain takes us out of the Stockholm Syndrome and moves us forward.......and is a vital first step toward self-love!
Easier said than done....Next post: How to develop empathy for ourselves
Friday, September 03, 2010
IT'S NOT UNCHRISTIAN TO NEED HELP!
Ok, I love Joyce Meyer....so I was listening to a CD on my walk today when I hear her say, "I was abused as a child and I just had to CHOOSE to get over it"....This is the kind of verbage which I often hear in Christian circles that makes my head spin. It makes it sound so easy...."I just had to choose to get over it!"
When you hear statements like this, do you wonder if God has forgotten you? Or if maybe you're doing something wrong?
I dont know about you, but just choosing didn't work for me. In fact, it took a lot of work and a lot of help for me to get over the traumas which occurred in my childhood. While I do believe that God can heal us in an instant, He seems to often use a process to get the job done. Maybe in order for us to have time to catch up with our healing and change those old habits of thought and habits of feeling.
Back in the day, sufferers of unresolved trauma would just have to suffer with panic attacks, severe depression, dissosiative disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, OCD, phobias, etc. They were given diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder, Multiple Personality Disorder, etc. But with the strides made in the last two decades in the field of trauma and recovery some of these problems can be eraadicated - healed. EMDR, EFT, some of the new energy therapies, etc are all boons to this field. And new medications which pinpoint serotonin, dopamine and other neurotransmitters have helped. tremendously..(more on that topic another time)....
There's a saying in 12 step circles, "It takes what it takes"...and while in the end, I do have to CHOOSE to get well, sometimes that choice has to be followed by actions.....
When you hear statements like this, do you wonder if God has forgotten you? Or if maybe you're doing something wrong?
I dont know about you, but just choosing didn't work for me. In fact, it took a lot of work and a lot of help for me to get over the traumas which occurred in my childhood. While I do believe that God can heal us in an instant, He seems to often use a process to get the job done. Maybe in order for us to have time to catch up with our healing and change those old habits of thought and habits of feeling.
Back in the day, sufferers of unresolved trauma would just have to suffer with panic attacks, severe depression, dissosiative disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, OCD, phobias, etc. They were given diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder, Multiple Personality Disorder, etc. But with the strides made in the last two decades in the field of trauma and recovery some of these problems can be eraadicated - healed. EMDR, EFT, some of the new energy therapies, etc are all boons to this field. And new medications which pinpoint serotonin, dopamine and other neurotransmitters have helped. tremendously..(more on that topic another time)....
There's a saying in 12 step circles, "It takes what it takes"...and while in the end, I do have to CHOOSE to get well, sometimes that choice has to be followed by actions.....
Monday, August 30, 2010
Detaching with Love?? What is it?
There is an excellent little one page Al-Anon pamphlet entitled "Detachment".....I don't know where the "With Love" part came from, but I know I've heard the phrase in Al-Anon. It sounds great, but what exactly does it mean.
Basically, Detachment means putting the focus on taking care of ourselves. As described in the previous article, the codependent gets caught up in the cycle of reacting and enabling....which both lead to misery. This cycle, which is progressive, gets harder and harder to stop. Detaching is a great tool for breaking the cycle of misery.
In the "Detachment" pamphlet, it states, "Detachment is neither kind or unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we re detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person's (negative behavior) can be a means of detaching; this does not necessarily require physical separation."
"Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior."
Easier said than done, I know....but simply stated, when we find ourselves obsessing about someone else, either positively or negatively, we can stop ourselves by figuring out what we need in the moment and then doing it. By doing this our lives will dramatically change for the better!
Basically, Detachment means putting the focus on taking care of ourselves. As described in the previous article, the codependent gets caught up in the cycle of reacting and enabling....which both lead to misery. This cycle, which is progressive, gets harder and harder to stop. Detaching is a great tool for breaking the cycle of misery.
In the "Detachment" pamphlet, it states, "Detachment is neither kind or unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we re detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person's (negative behavior) can be a means of detaching; this does not necessarily require physical separation."
"Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior."
Easier said than done, I know....but simply stated, when we find ourselves obsessing about someone else, either positively or negatively, we can stop ourselves by figuring out what we need in the moment and then doing it. By doing this our lives will dramatically change for the better!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
???WHAT IS CODEPENDENCY???
This word has been in popular use for at least 20 years but there's still no clear-cut definnition
...Many people think it means being "dependent", but it really doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being a dependent person. While looking it up I found this definition in the Alcohol Self-Help News
"Codependency is a condition that results in a dysfunctional relationship between the codependent and other people. A codependent is addicted to helping someone. They need to be needed. " And I think these definitions come pretty close to the truth. However, the other day, I came across a definition of codependency which I found intriguing. It is, "Anyone who subjects himself to a problem person."
Now, admittedly, this definition is a tad bit broad. But I would simply add one word to it: repeatedly. A Codependent is anyone who repeatedly subjects himself to a problem person.
The word repeatedly makes all the difference. If I repeatedly place myself in a position where I am with a problem person there are only a few choices I have.....What will happen to a codependent is that they will find themself in a cycle of reacting and enabling, which inevitably leads to anger, strife and frustration. Not exactly happy, joyous and free.
What if you are caught in this cycle? A lot of times the "problem person" is one who has a substance problem or is highly narcissistic. Twelve Step programs, particularly Al-Anon can help one get out of the cycle of reacting and enabling. They do this by teaching a very powerful tool called "Detaching With Love".....Also, Pia Mellody's book, "Facing Love Addiction" has some quite in depth instructions on "How to Put a Relationship On Hold"....
If you get caught in the codependency cycle of repeatedly putting yourself in a position where you are with a problem person and these self-help measures don't work, you may need professional help. Often times what lies at the root of this issue is a repetition compulsion -repeating a childhood wounding experience over and over. A therapist trained in this type of work can help you begin to heal the origins of these patterns.
...Many people think it means being "dependent", but it really doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being a dependent person. While looking it up I found this definition in the Alcohol Self-Help News
"Codependency is a condition that results in a dysfunctional relationship between the codependent and other people. A codependent is addicted to helping someone. They need to be needed. " And I think these definitions come pretty close to the truth. However, the other day, I came across a definition of codependency which I found intriguing. It is, "Anyone who subjects himself to a problem person."
Now, admittedly, this definition is a tad bit broad. But I would simply add one word to it: repeatedly. A Codependent is anyone who repeatedly subjects himself to a problem person.
The word repeatedly makes all the difference. If I repeatedly place myself in a position where I am with a problem person there are only a few choices I have.....What will happen to a codependent is that they will find themself in a cycle of reacting and enabling, which inevitably leads to anger, strife and frustration. Not exactly happy, joyous and free.
What if you are caught in this cycle? A lot of times the "problem person" is one who has a substance problem or is highly narcissistic. Twelve Step programs, particularly Al-Anon can help one get out of the cycle of reacting and enabling. They do this by teaching a very powerful tool called "Detaching With Love".....Also, Pia Mellody's book, "Facing Love Addiction" has some quite in depth instructions on "How to Put a Relationship On Hold"....
If you get caught in the codependency cycle of repeatedly putting yourself in a position where you are with a problem person and these self-help measures don't work, you may need professional help. Often times what lies at the root of this issue is a repetition compulsion -repeating a childhood wounding experience over and over. A therapist trained in this type of work can help you begin to heal the origins of these patterns.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
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