Since my website is undergoing maintenance I will not be able to finish my series on Love Avoidance for a few more days...stay tuned

HOW TO HEAL FROM LOVE AVOIDANCE - PART 2

We left off yesterday with the cause of Love Avoidance: enmeshment with the opposite sex parent. If this is the case with you, enter therapy to work through childhood feelings stemming from enmeshment Oftentimes these are feelings of deep anger and the pain and fear of the precious child you once were. Some experts even go so far as to call this form of enmeshment "emotional incest".....

4) Establish boundaries. Boundaries are essential for the love avoidant. They mustfeel that they can say no. Because the love avoidant often stays in a relationship out of duty and not love, they don't say no when they need to. Later, resenting the partner and using that as an excuse to "have a life".....(Leave the relationship for another person or an addiction).....

5) Whether through working the steps or some other route, to recover, one must connect to a higher power. The 12 steps are designed to bring us to a spiritual awakening, where we can come to rely on a loving God who cares for us and our wellbeing. If you don't have that yet,it's going to be almost impossible to get better. I suggest you speak to a minister, priest, rabbi, or someone who can help you.

More on recovery from Love Avoidance tomorrow.....stay tuned.

HOW TO OVERCOME LOVE AVOIDANCE

Love avoidants don't seem to come in for therapy as much as their counterpart - the love addict. However, occasionally they do....especially when they realize that they have broken up with that perfectly nice gal they were involved with for no good reason....and it keeps happening....As they get older, the love avoidant begins the see a pattern and their loneliness may drive them in for help.

Although on the outside, the love avoidant seems more "together" than the love addict, sometimes they are more difficult to deal with. So what are the steps to conquering love avoidance.

1) Address primary addictions. Oftentimes the love avoidant is addicted to something - be it alcohol, sex,excessive sports, risk taking, etc. Their addiction makes them unavailable for intimacy.

2) Join a Support Group. It is important for the The Love Avoidant to join a support group such as a 12 step group in order to begin practicing healthy intimacy in a safe environment.

3) Deal with childhood wounding. The love avoidant generally speaking has had enmeshment with their opposite sex parent. As children, they felt the pressure of emotionally and sometimes physically taking care of an addicted or otherwise immature parent. This was too much and overwhelming to the child. So much so, that in adulthood, they fear intimacy and fear they will be suffocated or overwhelmed - a relive of their childhood experience.

Stay tuned for part 2 of this article tomorrow.....

Questions, comments....if you would like more information on Love addiction or avoidance or to make an appointment, please call Stephanie at 210-287-4002

SELF-CARE THROUGH CREATING JOY

We may think that joy is elusive, that we just have to wait until happiness comes to us. Happiness and joy are not the same things though. Happiness does seem transient, based on circumstances. But we can make a choice to create joy in our lives. With just a few simple actions, we can prime our pumps for more joy in our lives.

1. Journal regularly. Writing your thoughts and feelings puts things in perspective, serves as an objective sounding board and can create a more positive mood.

2. Speak encouraging words to yourself. It is a proven fact that positive affirmations have the power to create a positive outlook. Write your own, claim bible verses...catch yourself when you are saying something negative and change it to a positive truth.

3. Do it differently! Whether it is changing the way you drive to work, taking a new class, or trying an exotic dish for the first time, changing your routine is a great way to add more zest to your life.

4. Express gratitude. Information abounds on the positive effects of practicing gratitude. Make a gratitutde list, tell someone you appreciate them or write a thank you note. Find ways to express your thankfulness for the positive things in your life. You will be amazed at how it will lift your mood.

5. Use your senses to enhance joy. Smell the roses, eat your favorite food, feel the grass under your feet, listen to a beautiful symphony. Your senses were meant to give you pleasure and pleasure increases joy.

What are some ways you produce joy in your life?

Call Stephanie Ecke, LPC at 210-287-4002 for help creating more joy in your life...

BEAUTY: PART 2

I have continued my pondering on what beauty really means...

A very interesting definition of the word was found in dictionary.com It said:

"the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest)."

Wow!!

The important words in this definition are: pleasure, satisfaction, mind, sensory, meaningful, and spiritual.....these are the qualities that must be present for us to find BEAUTY.....

As we began contemplating these ideas, my friend Charlotte Jorgansen, Black Belt Nia Instructor and I developed some concepts for a workshop to help you find the Beauty Within....I am hoping she will be a guest writer in the next post....Stay tuned to hear from her and to get more info on our upcoming workshops!

what is your idea of beauty? how do you attain it? When do you feel most beautiful? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Becoming Spiritually Beautiful....

I have a confession to make: I had botox..... Of course what I found out is that for the best results, I should have started about 20 years ago!

The night after I had it done, and after I read a long list of potentially harmful side effects, I was lamenting to my husband. How could I, "Miss Organic Natural"...so cavalierly done this. Now I had botulism coursing through my veins.....Scary thought. What had possessed me?

On thinking back, I reflected that my husband and I were going on a vacation of a lifetime with a dear couple whom we hadn't seen in awhile. I wanted to look my best. Makes sense.....but there was something deeper.

As I did some soul-searching, I asked myself: Was it that I deep down inside do not feel good enough, thin enough, young enough or pretty enough....Sadly, apparently, I do not feel like I am "enough", particularly as I age.

Granted our culture is a culture of youth and beauty, and the media's idea of beauty is in our face constantly.... but that's society's perception. I decided I had to learn more about what my definition of beauty really is.

As luck would have it, I spotted a copy of a little book - believe it or not at the grocery store...The title? "Becoming Spiritually Beautiful: Seeing Yourself From God's Perspective".

In this precious book, the author Sharon Jaynes tells us how to experience a "faith lift"...There is one pivotal point in becoming spiritually beautiful: We must spend time with the Beauty Artist - God....Ms Jaynes states: "Being a reflection of His glory is a direct result of spending time in His presence embraced in His love and enveloped in His grace.'

She poses the question: Have you ever noticed how couples after being together a long time begin to look alike? The same is true with God....I will begin to resemble Him the more time I spend with Him. That's an exciting thought...doesn't cost any money and there are no terrible side effects. I think that's the beauty treatment I really need. I certainly don't fault anyone for doing whatever they can and want to do to make themselves feel better about themselves....But I have made a big decision: to go to the Author of all Beauty for my worth...

What do you think? Can 2 Corinthians 3:18 really become real if we spend time looking in His mirror. "We who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit"

I'm gonna try it!

To find out more about Stephanie, visit her website www.thetraumaqueen.com or to schedule an appointment, call her at 210-287-4002.

EMOTIONAL SOBRIETY

I recently gave a talk to an Adult Children of Alcoholics group. It was a very lovely group and Im so glad I did. I happened to pick the topic of Emotional Sobriety and is often the case, I learned a lot while researching for this topic. The obvious things of course about emotional sobriety are that it involves the ability to self-soothe and regulate emotions.

Now you're probably thinking "Easier said than done!"...right? That's what I thought. Then I realized that the ability to regulate emotions requires one very important ingredient: A functional adult self on board.

For many people who are children of dysfunctional families (which involves alcoholic, mentally ill and/or narcissistic parents) this is what their recovery is all about - developing that Inner Loving Parent or Functional Adult Self (word coined by Pia Mellody and the Meadows).... The Functional Adult Self has the ability to affirm rather than criticize the self and to set respectful boundaries. Recovery groups like ACOA are very good at supporting its members in devloping the skills needed to do this.

Are you able to affirm yourself and to set boundaries? If not, you may need help developing your Functional Adult Self. I would encourage you to find a support group and/or therapist to help you with this very important task....

For more information about Stephanie, visit www.thetraumaqueen.com or give her a call at 210-287-4002 to schedule an appointment.