THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING: SELF-COMPASSION THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS!!

I know you’ve read hundreds of articles on stress and the holidays with lots of tried and true techniques for handling stress during this time of year. So what makes this one different? In this article I will help the reader learn the connection between empathy and handling stress and hopefully give you THE one new tool that will dramatically help you through the holiday season! If I could just give you one important key to staying centered and successfully maneuvering the upcoming season, I would pick the tool of self -compassion. A lot has been written over the past few years about self-compassion, but basically self-compassion is made up of two components. The first characteristic is self-kindness: being as kind to yourself as you would a friend. Do I really need to stay out until 2 am when I have to get up early the next day? What would be the kind thing to do for myself? Self-compassion involves radical self-care! But say, if I do overeat or overdo, I need to be kind to myself with my words. Watch how you are talking to yourself. Would you talk to a friend that way? If not, change your inner dialogue to one of empathy and you’ll see a turnaround. For instance, instead of saying, “How could I eat that? I feel so fat.” Try this: “I ate more than I planned tonight at the party. Tomorrow I’ll be more aware and do better.” Do you notice a difference in how you feel with the first response vs. the second one? With the self-compassionate response, your body relaxed a little, didn’t it? Hence the need to eat or do more than your body needs might just tone down a smidge. In addition to self kindness, one must also practice the second aspect of self-compassion: mindfulness. Mindfulness has two important parts to it. The first component is being in the present moment. Just doing this will calm down the nervous system significantly. The simple act of breathing in and out and being aware of the breath has a distinct calming effect. No matter where we are we can always do a few deep inhales and full exhales. The more you practice this simple move, the more you will experience the benefits of it and how it so effortlessly can move us into the present moment. Lastly, mindfulness involves being aware of what we are thinking and feeling. Being mindful means not judging ourselves, our thoughts or our emotions and at the same time, catching ourselves when our thoughts and emotions go to extremes. The old saying HALT – don’t let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired could be very instrumental in helping us stay mindful of our emotions and on track this holiday season. If we do find ourselves moving to extremes in thought or emotion we can use empathy and self-kindness to self-correct and get ourselves gently back in the center. During this holiday season give yourself the gift of self-compassion and you’ll see that as we cultivate self-compassion, it truly has remarkable stress relieving benefits that will last all year! To learn more about self-compassion, you can go to: www.self-compassion.org or read Kristen Neff’s marvelous book SELF-COMPASSION Stephanie Ellis Ecke, LPC, LCDC has been in private practice for over 20 years. She focuses on addiction, codependency, love addiction/love avoidance, childhood trauma and healthy relationships. Her current emphasis is on positive psychology and regenerating images to change memories. She is a basic certified RIM facilitator and has studied extensively with Pia Mellody at the Meadows. Find her on facebook at The Trauma Queen or on her website at www.thetraumaqueen.com

BECOMING A FUNCTIONAL ADULT

What is an adult and how does one become more "adult"? It seems simple enough, right? Just reach the ripe age of 21 and there you have it. But it's not that simple is it? What exactly constitutes becoming an adult. Those of us asking this question might have either a) an addiction; b) childhood trauma or c) all of the above. As I was talking with a trusted friend today we came up with something foundational. In order to become an adult one thing definitely has to happen: Any active addictions must be arrested. We had begun our visit discussing the recent DUI's of two female Episcopalian clergy over the last few months. We both lamented how sad it is that our society, particularly the church, still views addiction - alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, etc. as a stigma. Today in 2015, a full 80 years after Alcoholics Anonymous was founded, we still don't totally accept that alcoholism is a disease. why else would we continue to hide and deny this fact? Despite all our talk about vulnerability, and the gifts of imperfection etc. we are a far way away from accepting the disease of alcoholism is as real as the disease of cancer or diabetes and needs to be addressed and treated as such. Adults face reality and that's the first thing: We cannot be an adult and be in denial about our addictions. We must face them and treat them with justice and compassion. I will be beginning a series on Becoming a Functional Adult. Drawing from over 25 years experience as a psychotherapist in private practice, I hope to shed light on the process of becoming an adult and hopefully help us all Become Fully Functioning Adults - because that's when we get the good stuff:)